I stood surrounded by familiar names glistening in the sun, the stark grey stones seemed to be illuminated against the bright blue sky. I found myself searching tombstones for recognizable names. It was odd, but I felt comforted. I felt loved. I felt like I was home.
This was my place – surrounded by my people. I felt happy that I had been blessed to have grown up in this suburban community in New Jersey; this community that gave birth to so many incredible people whose memories still bring a chuckle to my mouth.
We gathered together at the Jewish Cemetery on February 27th to pay our last respects to one of my beloved parents’ friends, Ernie. Ernie was one of the complicated characters that filled my childhood with imagination and amusement.
Ernie’s story of survival has always fascinated me. Perhaps it was his accent, or the way his eyes twinkled when he told my daughters “Bernie Stories”- stories about my father, Bernard, who passed away 13 years ago.
Bernard Kislin, my father, son of Samuel Kislin, birth place Vitebsk, Russia, was born in New Brunswick, NJ. Samuel Kislin was one of the lucky ones. His parents had the intuition to send their oldest three sons, which included my thirteen-year-old grandfather, to America prior to WWII. My Bernie lived with his sister, Rose, and his three brothers in New Brunswick before finally settling in Highland Park. The Kislin’s neighbors became his family and lifelong friends. This is how Ernie fits into the picture.
Ernie and his two sisters were also miraculously sent to live in America during WWII. Ernie’s mother had died before the war, and his father was sent to Auschwitz. Ernie arrived in Highland Park when he was fourteen years old, separated from his dear sisters. Ernie was a Holocaust Survivor – in the truest sense of the word.
Ernie was sent to live with a family in Highland Park. Shortly after, the family he was residing with no longer had room for him. A friend of his had an extra room and offered to take him in. So Ernie went to live with Dossie, one of my father’s oldest friends, even though Ernie’s first cousin, Myra (also one of father’s oldest friends), was Ernie’s cousin.
Are you starting to get the picture? So many lives were interwoven into this incredible fabric called life. It was full of struggles, illnesses and financial issues, but one thing that remained sacred was the love of their friendships, good food and laughter.
A lifetime later, Ernie moved into the senior community where my mother resided since the passing of my father. My mother was so pleased to have Ernie by her side. He lived around the corner from Myra (his first cousin) and her husband Marvin, and a few streets from Iris, my mother. It made me feel so happy and content that my mom was still surrounded by the love of her friends.
Standing beside my mother at Ernie’s grave, I looked at the remaining friends and looked at the names on the grave stones of the beautiful souls who filled my childhood. I noticed a black bird that was perched high on a tall tree branch. I thought to myself, “who’s soul is watching over us?” I hope it was you Ernie, listening to all of the love and gratitude for a life well lived. Wow – now that’s a child-like response, but so what? I allowed my heart to feel the love and sadness as the tears ran down my face. I stood there remembering Ernie. I honored his life for being a true survivor and for giving us his beautiful son, Noah, and two grandsons. Seventy years after Hilter’s war on the Jews, I know that his memory and his legacy proves that Hitler did not win.
Then something really interesting happened. The funeral became political. Seriously. One of Ernie’s nephews pledged that he would continue to fight for freedom for refugees in Ernie’s honor. Several additional comments were made about how all of us must not allow this administration to strip away the memory of the Holocaust and allow it to happen again. Ernie would have loved this!
As is in the Jewish tradition, I put dirt on Ernie’s casket. I threw the dirt for my dad, for my mom, and for myself. I thanked him for blessing my parents’ lives with laughter and friendship and for teaching me that the human spirit is stronger than we can imagine. Ernie, I will miss hearing you tell “Bernie Stories.” I loved seeing my dad through your eyes. It was such an honor to listen to your perspective on my father’s life.
And then I drove to my childhood home. I parked the car and got out, despite the guy who was working on his car in the driveway.
I chuckled to myself – thinking that for the 37 years that my father lived at 781 Carpenter Road, he never once opened the hood of a car to work on it.
That was not in Bernie’s repertoire.
I started telling the young man that I grew up in his house and that I just wanted to take a look. I looked at the big tree on the front lawn, remembering how we used to rake the leaves, and smiled. I imagined peeking in the window of my old bedroom and remembering the shag green carpet and the yellow walls. I laughed out loud at the memory of my sister urging me to crawl out of my bedroom window and sunbathe on the roof.
I forgot all the angst of growing up.
And in that moment I just cried. I cried for that little girl who felt so much, but never had the right words to express the intensity of her feelings. I inhaled this amazing feeling of safety and contentment. I literally felt this wave of inner serenity wash over me. I embraced this feeling that I was truly safe, a feeling that I have spent much of my life searching for. It is the result of growing up in a special, protected world full of family and friends – often not knowing who was really family or friends and knowing it didn’t matter.
I find it funny how I needed to go back to my childhood home to remind myself that as long as I remember to feel safe, there isn’t anything I can’t do or feel.
-Nancy Kislin, LCSW & MFT
...And What The Heck is a Blind Bag?
If you have children, know children, or even just see children, of virtually any age, you know they are engrossed in their “devices” - phones and/or tablets.
I pride myself on trying to keep up with all the new toys kids are playing with and the latest music teens are listening to, but with the explosion of social media, this becomes a really huge task. As a mom with kids in their twenties, I sometimes feel like I’m a step behind the trends that appeal to younger children.
I was surprised to find out that the newest craze that has captured younger children is happening on YouTube Kids’s - watching other children un-box or unwrap toys. Yes, that’s right. Kids watching kids unwrap and un-box toys.
It sounded a little crazy to me, so I GOOGLED IT. A long list of videos appeared. Still not precisely sure what that this was all about I watched several videos. Kids are videotaped unwrapping mostly small toys in bags. The child is unsure which toy in a particular series of toys is in the small bag. The common thread seems to be the excitement of not knowing what exactly will be revealed in the small bags or the larger toys. Not a terrible thing, right? Every kid loves to get a small toy and the excitement of not knowing which toy is in the bag certainly adds to the fun.
I went to my source for all information for people under the age of 10 – my niece Jessica. She told me not only does her daughter love, love, love watching BLIND BAG videos – her daughter begs for her to buy Blind Bags. You can purchase “Blind Bags” at toy stores, but who goes to toy stores anymore? You just order them online from Amazon Prime now.
But wait. What is going on here? This mindless and apparently not so innocent mind numbing video watching of other kids opening tiny toys called Blind Bags is just an example of how we are turning over our parenting to the Internet.
So what’s a child psychotherapist to do?
I searched for a Blind Bag video to watch on You Tube Kids.
After watching 7 minutes and 38 seconds of a young girl named Sophia monotonously describe her experience as she opened 18 blind bags, I thought this is a very sad phenomena. I continued to search You Tube Kids Blind Bags and found there are hundreds of such videos. Literally, the video consists of a young person sitting down at a table or on the floor, with several little bags in front of them. The video is a recording of the child describing their experience as they open the bag and find out what is in it.
This encourages nothing positive, instead, it induces:
Additionally, watching these videos just adds to wasted time that a young child could spend exploring their world with all of their senses, not just sitting idly while other children experience something.
Do you really want your youngster sitting still, endlessly waiting You Tube videos?
I am fundamentally frightened about what is happening to our children’s mental and physical well being. I work with child and adolescent psychiatrists as well as educational consultants. I asked their opinion regarding this mind-numbing activity – and all are in agreement – it can be extremely detrimental to a child’s developing brain. This activity lacks social interaction and does nothing to deepen a child’s capacity to develop empathy and sympathy – all necessary for functioning in the real world.
Sure, it’s tempting to let YouTube occupy your kids. They’re quiet, you think they are “safe”, they aren’t bothering you after a long day. Plus, all their friends watch these videos. What’s a parent to do?
A parent can, and must, say no!
I urge you to pay attention to what your kid is watching and playing on their devices. Watch some of the videos first. Decide what is appropriate for them. Use parental controls and monitor often.
Use self-control and imagination – don’t give your kid the device every time you want them to be quiet or listen to you. Keep a plastic bag full of books, crayons, and fidget toys handy so when they get bored they use their hands, their brains and develop their imaginations. Day dreaming is an awesome activity, encourage them to do it often.
This information may not bring you any closer to understanding the appeal of watching someone open a Kinder Surprise Egg, but it is my hope that it makes you hesitate the next time your little one asks to watch YOU TUBE Kids video of Blind Bags.
You have permission – you don’t have to give them everything they want.
-Nancy Kislin, LCSW & MFT
I Marched yesterday.
I walked with my sisters, my daughters, and with mothers and fathers.
I walked with those who could not walk without a cane and those who could not see. I walked with thousands of women wearing pink hats, children carrying signs, and strong men supporting the women in their lives. Memories of the women who helped raise me to be an activist, a social worker, a visionary and a dreamer flooded my mind.
I walked for all the women who taught me how to stand up, speak up, shout out and act out for those who cannot.
I remembered helping my mother deliver meals to the homebound. I can still hear her voice urge me out of the car to deliver meals to those less fortunate, despite my fear and uncertainty of their needs. I heard her voice telling me to get over my fears, there are people who need our help and love.
I remember my mom’s dear friend, Edna May, sitting at my dining room table passionately telling me about her work at Planned Parenthood. I listened to her stories about how Planned Parenthood provided basic health care to women who were unable to afford it. I learned that Planned Parenthood’s work saves lives. Edna May explained the guidance she gave her clients who needed help.
I remembered the first time I protested across from the Russian Embassy pleading for the release of Natan Sharansky a Soviet Refusenik. (He was a Soviet Jew, who was denied permission to emigrate by the Soviet Union in the 1980’s). I was inspired and felt powerful, standing up for what I believed. Our presence made a difference. My father warned me to be careful, to stand up for what I believed in but not to get arrested!
I remembered taking a train from NJ to Washington,D.C. in the late 1980’s for the Soviet Jewry March. We were protesting for the release of Soviet Jews. That incredible sense of community energized me, and it inspired me to dedicate my life to serving those in need.
Early in my career I supervised the Social Work Program at Bloomfield College. I placed students at the local Planned Parenthood office, confident that they would learn it’s importance. I was never disappointed.
Years later, you could find me standing beside my daughters, marching down 5th Ave in the Israel Day Parade with the parents of Gilad Shalit, a kidnapped soldier, or protesting outside a major American Corporation for doing business with Iran.
Some of the most inspiring moments of my life were listening to my daughter, Gabrielle, standing next to Elie Wiesel across from the United Nations at the Free the Soldiers Rally, demanding freedom for 3 kidnapped Israeli soldiers. Or listening to my daughter, Danielle, tell the world that Iran must not be able to develop a nuclear weapon.
I still hear the power of my girl’s young voices as they captivated audiences and motivate their peers, adults and even a few world leaders.
Social justice is a core value in our home. At times, it is what we did for fun! One of the greatest things I’ve accomplished as a mom has been teaching my daughters the art of caring about something bigger than themselves, teaching them that their voice does make a difference, and that they can be a leader among their peers and the greater community.
As I walked on Saturday, I felt pride in America, the land that allows little girls to grow up to fight for what’s right and to teach new generations to join the fight.
This time is markedly different. It demands we fight with everything we have for everything we believe.
Most of us like, rather need, to feel that we have some control over our lives. With so much at stake, we must stand up and fight. This is my message to every person in the United States Senate: We demand that YOU stand up for women’s rights by refusing to vote for:
The Repeal of the ACA
The defunding of Planned Parenthood
The desecration of women’s reproductive rights or
The rollback of progress on climate change, among others.
Pick an issue. There are so many to choose from.
Me, I am doing what I do best. I am forming a Teen Advocacy Group – hoping to teach a new generation of young women how to find their voice and use it loudly and clearly.
Along with my sisters and daughters, I proudly stand on my mother’s generation’s shoulders, secure in the knowledge that there is nothing we cannot do.
As Helen Reddy said best:
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman!!!
So – Will you join me?
-Nancy Kislin, LCSW, MFT, Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist, Parent Educator
Screen Time and Tween’s/Teens Time
A Closer Look...
In six and a half hours, you can:
Or your average tween/teen can be glued to their phone or device for 6 and 1/2 hours every single day. And that’s not including doing any schoolwork or research.
6 ½ hours a day means that your tween/teen
What are kids missing during those hours, days, weeks and months annually?
Your children are not
Did you know that it takes kids three times longer to learn new material when they learn on a screen versus reading from a book and writing the information down on paper?
Recently, I asked a middle school teacher for his impression of the effect technology is having on his students. He shared that prior to the morning homeroom, all the kids are at their lockers with their heads down, staring at their phones. He said it’s quite the compelling sight as kids get their last fix of their devices before they power down. At the end of the day, they run to their lockers and immediately turn on their phones. Some kids sneak phones into the classroom so they can play video games.
If a child is spending 6 ½ hours a day on screen time, the answer is 6 ½ less hours spent learning and growing.
Kids are not developing a strong sense of who they are, getting to know their strengths, and their vulnerabilities. They never learn how to trust their inner judgement as to what is right and what is wrong. And the result, they walk into a party and don’t know how to determine if that the butterflies in their stomach is actually excitement or anxiety. They haven’t developed an internal thermometer to determine if a situation is safe. This is leading to an explosion of anxiety, depression, and inability for kids to self-regulate. These are critical life skills for kids, and the opportunity to practice these skills and get good at them are being robbed by excessive amount of time spent looking down at a device.
Parents you must pay attention and take action.
Change is hard. We all rely on our devices for so many things. We tend to do many of the same things our kids do!
Setting limits and establishing parameters for screen time is a great strategy for families to be more healthy, happy and productive.
Here are some strategies to get a better handle on the time your children spend on their devices:
Take a deep breath, put your phone down and take a look at your kids. Don’t be scared or weakened by a screaming, sullen or upset child – you are the parent and YOU have the power to say no! It’s not too late to make these changes. I have faith that you can do it! Remember the phone/devices is a privilege not a RIGHT!
Now, go spend some time with your children away from technology
and get to know each other!
Nancy Kislin, LCSW and MFT
Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist
Nancy’s Helpful Tips
Guidelines for Handling a Crisis
Most importantly, slow down, Breathe and cherish your family! These are particularly difficult times, but love, nurturing mind & body and remembering to making room for laughter is key!
How do we talk to our kids in the aftermath of the election season?
I am not going to point my finger at you and tell you who you should have voted for, I just want to address the question... how do we help our kids deal with the negative noise that may be affecting the social and emotional help of our children and families?
Many people’s concept of the world we live in and the rights we cherish feels like it is being challenged. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings to yourself and to your children. Try to reassure them that they will be okay.
There is a lot of noise out there and a lot of it is full of hate and discriminatory comments. It can be very scary and confusing to kids and adults.
Here are some simple ways to talk, to protect and to strengthen your children right now.
Take care of yourself during these stressful times.Recognize that your children may be reacting to what is happening in the world but they are also reacting to you. Now is a good time to engage in self-care activities if you are experiencing heightened levels of anxiety or hopelessness.
Do things you enjoy, exercise, yoga, music, or read a good book. It may be a good time to turn off the news and get hooked on a new Netflix show.
Like I said in the beginning – make it clear to your kids that you are here and available to take care of them. Reassure and lots of love is critical.
It’s okay to have your feelings and let them out.It’s okay for your kids to see you upset, to see you cry and even to see your anger. Strive to find balance between your feelings of fear, sadness, frustration or joy. Remember the goal of processing any experience is not to avoid your feeling. Allow room to feel your emotions, to express them and then to move on.
Address the nasty bullying behavior that became commonplace during this election year by turning them into teachable moments. Remind your children:
Use this time to talk about your family’s interests, values and dreams. Take this opportunity to identify things that you as a family are passionate about and start doing them. Nothing makes a child feel safer than when they are doing things with their family.
I hope my list is helpful. If you have any suggestions please contact me at email@example.com.
Individual, Marriage, and Family Psychotherapist
Stress is so commonly used to describe how a child, teen and adult is feeling that is doesn’t even to raise an eyebrow when you hear someone say “my child is so stressed out or I am so stressed out.”
The epidemic numbers of children, teens and adults suffering from stress, anxiety and depression is staggering . Well meaning parents fall into the trap of raising children in ways that are actually promoting undue stress.
As we embark on the school year 2016-2017 we need to make a commitment to our children and to ourselves that nothing is more important than our mental and physical health.
10 Steps to Preventing your kids from being too STRESSED OUT:
1. Parents need to set firm boundaries and time limits on Technology use ie. IPad, phone, video games etc.
2. Kids need down time. Kids do not need to be over-scheduled with activities! Going from soccer to horse back riding then hours of homework is too much after a long day at school.
3. Parents cannot expect Perfection, rather honor effort and hard work!
4. Have family dinner at least 3 times a week.
5. Live by example! Get involved in the community! Children grow up learning to help others have a stronger sense of self and greater appreciation for what they have.
6. LAUGH LOUDLY AND OFTEN! Children need to play with their hands and have the freedom to move their bodies, this includes being silly!
7. Value and Nurture relationships with family and friends – not acting in small acts of kindness every week. Role model empathy.
8. Creating a safe place for your children to come home to where they are accepted unconditionally and loved unconditionally.
9. Teach resilence! Give your child the chance to work hard, fail and learn how to pick themselves up again.
10. Make time for Talking together! Time without I-phones and I-Pads. Time to spend as a family, focused on family.
We all know the dangers that too much STRESS puts on one’s immune system, heart and brain. Yet – somehow – I too often see good intentioned parents go astray when it comes to helping raise well adjusted, calm, passionate, interesting, kind and happy children.
“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called Stress; Working hard for something we love is called Passion.” -Simon Sink
The best way to help your family is to work on your own happiness! Find time to exercise, spend time with friends or start a new hobby. Research shows that when a parent is happy there is a greater chance that their child will be happy.
I hope that you can join us on September 28th for the first Empower Hour of the Year, 11:00am at the Ed Center. (Please note change in venue)
The topic is: When you Take the Media out of Social Media You Lower the Level of Stress?
- WE will talk about Social Media, Drugs and Alcohol have become tools that teens are using to escape and avoid learning essential social interactions.
Our youth are pre-occupied with technology – specifically playing video games, binging watching TV shows on Netflix and the unique challenges of setting boundaries in era of technology. I know you are too and so I am, but I am particularly worried about our children!
I came up with Eight Strategies to help parents get control over the binging epidemic.
Parents ask we how do I get my daughter to stop watching NetFlix on her computer or HELP, my son doesn’t want to do anything but play his video games.
Many parents expressed grave concern that their children have become “obsessed”, “addicted”, or dependent on playing the games.
Top eight strategies:
1. Parents need to set firm guidelines on time usuage before giving their child access to video games. Parents should set up a schedule.
Best option – don’t allow video game playing during the week
Set a time allotement for the weekend. This can be flexible if child is playing in person with friends.
2. Set similar limits for watching TV shows especially streaming such as Netflix.
Best option: Don’t allow child to watch shows on their computer or Ipad, especially while lying in bed with their door closed. This behavior encourages many negative habits such as overeating, obsessive tendencies, depression and anxiety. It can easily become an escape from dealing with normal childhood and adolescent struggles.
3. Encourage Reading! Seriously!
There has been a dramatic reduction in the amount of time that children spend reading.
According to Time Magazine – reading rates have dropped dramatically over the last three decades. 45% of 17 year olds admit they read by choice only once or twice a year.
The Guardian states that childrens reading is shrinking due to apps, games, and You Tube.
Dylan Collins from children’s discovery start-up Super Aweson said that parents bear some of the responsibility for ensuing children don’t abandon reading.
The bottom line – kids who read to when young are more likely to like reading
Have better vocabulary and do better on test scores.
Will this motivate you to turn off the wi-fi?
4. Don’t use technology as a babysitter!
Instead of reaching for your I-phone the second you want your child to be quiet or anticipate that your child will get inpatient – hand them some crayons and paper. For the younger set, carry some books, legos, play-do when you are going for a long car ride, out to dinner or a doctor’s appointment.
Best option: TALK TO YOUR KIDS AND LISTEN! Don’t barrage them with questions about how did they do on their exam or their homework.
Start by telling them about your day ….
Ask them about a certain topic they are studying
And most of all relax and enjoy them.
5. Schedule Family Time weekly
-have a family meeting – best time on Sundays
-plan a weekly game night – technology free
-turn off your phone and theirs
6. Sleep – have a cut-off time for all technology (harder as kids get older)
Most children are extremely sleep deprived even at young ages. If homework is not completed by a certain time let them go to school without it. Let them incur the consequences.
7. Teach GRATITUDE
There are not sufficient words to emphasize how important it is for parents to teach their children to be grateful for what they have in their lives as well as their own personal attitibutes. One of the most challenging task for parents is to help their children develop a strong sense of confidence and inner strength.
The best way to do this is to devote time and energy to giving to others. Invest time in getting your kids involved in community service and do projects together.
Nothing helps a child’s overall heath and mood than learning how it feels to help someone else.
8. Don’t be afraid to have consequences and enforce them!
I will tell you a secret – your children will respect you and listen to you when you demonstrate strength and leadership. It makes them feel safe. For example: if your teen won’t turn off their video games – turn it off. Take it away for a week, a month and see what happens.
Take step back from your day to day stresses and broaden your scope on the incredible task of raising your children. Stop –breathe-look at the beauty of your child.
Reflect back on your child’s early years. Remember what dreams you had for your child?
What kind of person did you hope your child would develop into?
What are some of your biggest challenges raising your child? How are you going to help your child develop into a kind, loving , empathetic and interesting person who helps to make the world a better place for being in it?
Where is the blueprint for getting there?
These are great talking points with your partner and with your kids. It is never too early to start.
... or That They Already Have
Phrases like “happily ever after” and “I will love your forever” is not the reality for over 52% of all marriages in America. What happens to couples beautiful dreams of “love you till death do us part” when so many people are cheating on their partners?
There are patterns that people who have committed infidelity have in common. I help my clients delve into their psyches in an effort to try to understand why they cheat and how to navigate the aftermath.
So you think your partner is cheating on you or has cheated in the past.
Let’s go inside the mind of the cheater and look at some of their behaviors.
Secrets of a cheater…
1. A cheater does not feel like an honest, truthful individual.
On one hand they are fully engaged in a full blown emotional and/ or physical affair, consumed by the yummy endorphins that are being released. On the other, they are filled with remorse, tears, feeling of dismay and a sense of being completely stuck. They may believe they are in love with their spouse but can't stop their feelings toward their affair partner.
2. The Cheater doesn’t feel worthy and often hides their insecurities
- they care deeply about what they look like, what clothes they wear, what car they drive and what they live in. They also care a great deal about what their spouse looks like. Often, they are critical as a way to avoid dealing with their insecurities.
-they hide their insecurities with expensive things
-level of self-indulgence
-sense of entitled to have a good time
-if the man is the cheater- he usuaylly does not have a close male friends.
These men base their self-worth on what others think and often act accordingly.
3. The Cheater often does not have a high threshold for feeling discontented and fights off an internal boredom
-they are masterful at multi-tasking
-they don’t make you feel like they are talking to you or even listening to you
-indulge too much in alcohol, exercise, work or their latest "project"
-is a risk taker
4. The Cheater does not feel comfortable with emotional intimacy
-very observant of other people’s behavior and mood
-often has the capacity for feeling empathic but can easily become overwhelmed by their feelings. This creates anxiety and stress, they don’t know how to deal with these feelings. Often the cheater has a behavior pattern of shutting off from people or staying very shallow to avoid being flooded with thoughts, feelings and evoking too much emotion.
5. The Cheater does not feel comfortable in social situations without the assistance of alcohol or drugs- (prescription or otherwise)
Although their partner repeatedly asks that they refrain from self-medicating with alcohol, drugs (prescribed or not), food, and/or exercise they do not.
The cheater is a master at blowing off others concerns by accusing others of being neurotic or anxious.
6. Cheaters don't forgive themselves for what they have done (or doing) to their spouses, children and/or selves. They are struggling to deal with feeling of Shame.
Shame is a very powerful and destructive emotion. It can lead to anxiety, depression and self-destructive behavior.
7. The Cheater doesn’t believe what they are doing is morally right.
They are flooded with conflict that often comes across as defensiveness, irritation, and disinterest in you and family.
8. The Cheater doesn’t know how to make peace with old traumas such as broken hearts or traumatic loss.
They have a habit of telling the same stories over and over again. Or, they have a habit of complaining about the same things over and over.
9. The Cheater is a master at compartmentalizing parts of their lives.
Despite the intensity of the conflict of having an affair, still loving their spouse and family but not stopping engaging in the affair they have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. This allows some cheaters to go undiscovered for months and even years.
10. The Cheater does not
Want the world to know they could be one of those people who have an affair! They will not share their secret of having the affair with anyone, except hopefully a therapist.
11. The Cheater does not have the courage to say to their partner that they are not happy with the status of their marriage.
Instead, they create lots of drama with a big dose of pain, to serve as the wake-up call.
By the time I meet the Cheater, they are full of guilt and feelings of hopelessness or they have just GOT caught by their spouse. The most popular way people are getting caught these days is by their phones.
Technology has made it so easy to cheat and even easier to get caught.
The common denominator of all the people I have helped through their infidelity is that no one ever sets out to hurt their spouse. Unresolved childhood, adolescent issues and traumas are a direct reason for a person to cheat on their partner. With insight, patience, compassion and guidance I help client’s move through their pain and find peace and healing.
-Nancy Kislin, LCSW and MFT